comfort in your strangeness

I bottle fed til i was five ( imagine how long it will take me to push the publish button after opening this entry with that statement. hooo!). I don’t know why I didn’t want to give that up considering that I knew i was supposed to be in kindergarten by that time. I just didn’t want to give it up. It was my life, my sole source of comfort, entertainment, and nourishing. I had the same issue with the pillow I clung to since birth, which my mama had to throw away because I didn’t even want it washed (yes, I was that gross). The bottle she couldn’t take away, coz if she did I’d steal my younger brother’s ration of milk.

She once told me, “You will never have friends in school. All the other kids would know you still bottle fed, because you’d have to bring a bottle with you and ‘dodo’ in the corner of the room. And you’d be the only kid still doing the ‘dodo’.”

True enough, all throughout my elementary years (including Prep… I didn’t go to Kinder) I didn’t have friends. I remember being in Preparatory and not mingling with the other kinds. I didn’t want to have to do anything with them. I played with my clay, and my green Rainbow Brite doll by myself. I didn’t want to talk to them. I don’t know why.

I had to transfer to another school in Elementary, because we moved to San Pedro, and because I still didn’t want to be-friend other kids, I spent breaks by myself. Walked alone to the ham and cheese flying saucer sandwich stall, bought ham and cheese and strawberry shake. Ate while walking back to the room, I was then finished with my meal when I got back to the room. So for the rest of break time I either arranged the seats, or pretended to be asleep (this is what I’m talking about Sugar and Gino).

What my mom said didn’t have an effect on me really; I thought there was, but as I thought about it more… wala. I just wanted to be alone.

There are just people who prefer to be alone for no reason at all. I don’t hate other people, I don’t hate the world, I don’t think I’m better than others and that they don’t deserve my attention (an officemate once asked me, “Are we not good enough for you? Why don’t you eat lunch with us.” ). Maybe I just want to be detached… sometimes, most of the time.

I was already in High School when I started to belong to a group. It was fun. But that was it… FUN. Maybe that’s why I liked college more, because I can be with a group of friends, or be alone. I wasn’t required to be with a particular group all the time, so I discovered who I really was.

Anyway, because I was mostly alone all the time, I used to think that I was the only kid in the world given the name I was given by my parents (no one else in their right mind would combine the names of 2 budding actresses in Philippine showbiz and have their daughters named with that… I though mama was crazy). I thought I was the only one born the day I was born, so I was amazed every time I got acquainted with someone who shares the same birth date. In short, I thought I was the most unique person born in the world. Special. Turns out i really wasn’t (jaded? hehe).

I also didn’t know that from the other side of the metro there was another kid, given a unique-sounding name (which of course also turned out to be a bit common as well), who like me, spent his time mostly by himself (given that temper… he actually stabbed the palm of a classmate for stealing his newly sharpened pencil).

When I met him I knew right away that he was special…

You see, he’s the only person I know who spent most of his Elementary days in the school chapel and attended 5 mass schedules everyday (maybe he wanted to be closer to God than anyone else). He’s the only person I know who can sleep sideways balancing with his arm up in the air (seriously, he’s asleep when he does that). He writes, makes collages and draws like no other (he draws faces with millions of dots). Lastly, he’s the only person I know who was born the day after his parents got married.

Now if that ain’t special, I don’t know what is.

I cannot enumerate all the other ‘special’ factors here. To end it all, just like what Cynthia Alexander’s song says…

“I have seen,

I have been to places far and deep

In my mind

Only to find

Comfort in your strangeness.”

 

YAB chuti! Happy Birthday!