hay buhay

bago ako magkwento ng tungkol sa kung ano, gusto ko muna kayong kumbinsihin na pumirma sa petition ng Philippines Cheaper Medicines Act dito.

sa totoo lang, nalinawan lang ako tungkol sa isyung ito nung nabasa ko sa blog ni idol, mikael co (ang link na yan ay papunta sa comment section ng mismong entry na nabasa ko, akyat ka na lang sa mismong entry). andami ko kasing ‘life challenges’ nitong nakaraan kaya ‘di ko iniintindi nung una kong narinig sa balita. e putek, direct hit pala ko nito, kasi drug dependent halos lahat kami sa pamilya, kaya natauhan talaga ako.

hindi naman kami mga adik, nagkataon lang na: ang ate ko, may hyperthyroidism; ako, may gastritis, Vitamin B-complex deficiency, at IDA; ang utol ko at pamangkin kong si cholo, may asthma (at araw-araw silang nagpa-puff ng mga anti-asthma chu nila); may tiyo ako sa side ng nanay ko na kaka-stroke lang (so, sandamakmak rin ang gamot niya); at nasa lahi namin ang diabetes. lahat ng tiyuhin ko sa side ng tatay ko meron… at di malabong magkaroon kaming magkakapatid ‘pag tanda namin.

mahirap magkaroon ng diabetes. alam ko dahil ang jowa ko dati (na kaibigan ko hanggang ngayon) ay diabetic din (mula nung 16 siya). sa loob ng higit 3 taon na magkasama kami sa isang bubong, witness ako sa araw-araw niyang pagtuturok ng insulin sa umaga’t gabi (at kailangan niya gawin ‘yon habambuhay). at dahil pag may diabetes ka, prone ka na sa kumplikasyon, madalas siyang ma-ospital dahil sa kidney infection (at hindi lang ito basta UTI). nung nakaraang taon din, na-diagnose si H with hypertension, kaya bukod sa mahal na insulin, may 3 gamot rin siyang iniinom everyday. dagdag mo pa diyan ang syringe (na P12 isa, at isang beses lang pwedeng gamitin), ang strips na nilalagay sa blood sugar meter, alcohol swabs, needle na pang prick at kung anu-ano pang kaputahan. lagi niyang sinasabi dati pag hirap kami sa pera, “minsan, gusto mong hintayin na mamatay na lang.”

maaaring hindi tayo pareho ng sitwasyon. siguro rin, hindi kasing pangit ng genes namin ang genes ng pamilya nyo o wala kang kilalang taong direk hit ng isyung ito, pero kailangan mo pa ba talagang maramdaman ang epekto ng mahal na gamot bago ka kumilos para sa ikabubuti ng masnakararami nating kababayan? tama si mikael, buhay ang pinag-uusapan dito .

punta kayo sa blog niya nang mabasa nyo ang malinaw niyang paliwanag tungkol sa Cheaper Medicines act. sabi nya rin dun, kung gusto ninyo ng FAQ pwede nyo siyang i-email.

kaya mehn, pirma na eto uli yung link para ‘di ka na umakyat.

———-

eto pa isang mabigat…

TANGINA!!! TULUNGAN NYO KO MAGHANAP NG BAHAY!

o ‘di kaya matchbox na pwede kong gawing home sweet home

mula nung lunes, naghahanap ako ng malilipatan dito sa Makati o Manila area. anak ng teteng naman kasi… ayoko nang i-kwento.

hindi naman sa masyado akong nag-iinarte, pero ang gusto ko kasi, mag-isa lang ako sa isang kwartong may banyo… sa halagang P3,500. o yan a… pucha!

ang hirap maghanap. kagabi nag-ikot na nga ko after work e… panay bedspace, ayoko nun. kasi:

1. hindi ako sanay ng may kasamang ibang tao sa kwarto. bukod sa lumaki ako nang mag-isa (halos) sa buhay. i never shared a room with anyone nung lumalaki ako. nun ngang mga unang pagkakataon na lumipat si H sa ‘min dati naloka ako, kasi magkaiba kami ng definition ng ‘order’… naloka ako nung, feeling ko, nawala ang personality ko sa kwarto ko

oo, alam ko, “wala ka ng pera… wag ka na maarte.” pero kasi, KUNG MAGBABAYAD AKO NG TITIRAHAN KO, SA KUMPORTABLE NA, DIBA? ayokong masiraan ng ulo. i’m adjusting to the fucking situation, kaya i don’t want to end up moving somewhere na araw-araw lang din akong mapa-praning o mabubwiset.

2. ayokong maging hassel sa iba. a) hindi ako nakakatulog ng walang ilaw b) hindi ako nakakatulog ng maaga c) hindi ako naniniwala sa curfew… sa bawal na ganito, bawal na ganyan d) at higit sa lahat, malakas ako magyosi.

3. ayokong ma-hassel ng iba. aminin mo, hindi lahat ng tao kaparehas mo sa definition ng maayos at malinis. ako malinis, pero dahil eclectic ako, mukha pa ring magulo. sa kwarto ko ngayon may maayos na kalat ng mga libro, mga notebook, mga ballpen at lapis, mga scrapbook, gitara, rainstick, mga nakahanger na pashmina, at iba pa… sabi ng ate ko madumi, pero hindi dahil lagi ako naglilinis.

at ang pinakamalaking porsyento ng dahilan kung bakit ayaw ko ng may kasamang iba ay ang respeto… lalo na sa gamit. magkakaiba rin tayo ng depenisyon ng respeto. may mga taong keri-keri ang hiraman… ako rin, pero libro’t cd’s lang ang go na go ako.

hindi ako mahilig magpahiram ng pantalon, t-shirt, pajama, panty at bra… yung bag pwede nating pag-usapan. hindi ako madamot. naniniwala lang ako na hindi ka dapat pumoporma kung hindi mo kaya. tama?

yon. kaya please, kung may alam ka namang room4rent, sabihan mo ko. salamat!

when lev yilmaz made me cry…

“i’m not gonna think about how it sometimes felt like we were the only two people on earth. i’m not gonna think about how for a long time it really seemed like it was gonna work out…”

waaaaaahhhhh!!!

para pa rin sa’yo to

DALAWA

Tuwing umuulan at naririnig ang kanta sa radyo
Dinadala ako sa panahong ikaw ay akin

Habang buhay mang maghintay, Taon man ang lumipas
Ako ay maghihintay sa panahon na para sa ating…
dalawa… dalawa…

Tuwing umuulan at pumapatak sa aming bubungan
Binubulong ng mga bituin na ako’y mahal mo rin

———-

at dahil groggy ako, eto naman…

mabuhay ang color it red!

it’s the end of an era…

so here’s the ultimate break-up song…

by Fiona Apple

Love ridden, I’ve looked at you
With the focus I gave to my birthday candles
I’ve wished on the lidded blue flames
Under your brow
And baby, I wished for you

Nobody sees when you are lying in your bed
And I wanna crawl in with you
But I cry instead
I want your warm, but it will only make
Me colder when it’s over
So I can’t tonight, baby

No, not “baby” anymore – if I need you
I’ll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we’ll only have to wave

My hand won’t hold you down no more
The path is clear to follow through
I stood too long in the way of the door
And now I’m giving up on you

No, not “baby” anymore – if I need you
I’ll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we’ll only have to wave

No, not “baby” anymore – if I need you
I’ll just use your simple name
Only kisses on the cheek from now on
And in a little while, we’ll only have to wave

———-

i hope you’re happy now

hey!

I dont want to doubt you
Know everything about you
I dont want to sit across the table from you
Wishing I could run

I want to love you madly
I want to love you now
I want to love you madly, way
I want to love you, love you
Love you madly

-cake

yesterday

i…

woke up late

got stuck in a 3 hour traffic on the way to work

got in late, only to find out that the entire ops would only be on ’til 2pm.

found out our meter was confiscated due to “meter full of water”

got so depressed i just slept and slept (without eating dinner or taking a shower when i got home).  i didn’t even mind the others, i just slept and slept and slept…

in the cave.

———-

smoke fills the room.(silence)

“now, what are we supposed to do? i just want to smack him.  i asked him to fix this up while he wasn’t busy, but he still didn’t.”

(“you’ve got mail” message alert tone) he checks his phone.

“who are you talking to?  PLEASE!!! don’t think about doing something stupid.”

he says he knows.

(silence)

(deep breathing)

“no one ever listens.”

(silence)

———-

 

someone promised me yesterday…

but it just turned out to be just another bad day.

it don’t think it’s going to happen.  no.  not in this lifetime.

REST

i stayed inside my room the whole day yesterday.

i didn’t go to work, because i didn’t feel like it. i told them i had a bad case of LBM (hahaha! malingering), because i really needed to…

REST.

just saying it does something, eh?

REST.

ahhhh… relaxing.

R-E-S-T.

REST.

so why rest on a Tuesday and opt to loose some ka-ching? what did you do last weekend. why didn’t you get rest then?

i thought about that yesterday… and the answer that popped in my head was; i had schedules of tasks during the weekend too. tasks!!! chores!!!

• the laundry
• clean the room
• organize the cabinet
• clean the washroom
• fold clothes
• iron clothes
• cook rice
• wash the dishes
• fetch pails of water (yes. c and h went downstairs to fetch pails of water! goddamn LABEDA!!!)

the line of chores… they were chugging like a train inside my head- ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chhhhhooooressssss!!!!! ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chhhhhooooressssss-chhhhhooooressssss!!!!! ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-ch-chhhhhooooressssss!!!!!

oh the worry of them all. i was too stressed-out.

i had too much to do in the office last week. too much worry at home, with Holden…

i was worrying about money, Holden’s pneumonia, Toto’s asthma… food, fare, my short stories and submitting them before the deadline to get into this workshop. Everything!

i’m such a goddamn worryer, hence: PRESENCE OF EXTREME TO SEVERE DEPRESSION.

yes. that was for real.

most of my friends, and people who know me just say, “oh that’s nothing. you’re just over-reacting.” or “chelot, you’re really jaded! what’s new?”

but this is different. this time it’s real. you know why? coz i have all the symptoms… yes, all of them. and i took a test (as if a test says it all). i’m just waiting for an A/R, and i’ve decided to go to a professional… Holden agrees.

the change is just dramatically noticeable.

anyway, i feel a bit better now. unlike the other day when i can’t even keep still inside the bus ride to work, thinking;

“i have to go down. i have to go down now, and go home. i don’t want to go to work today… but what happens if i don’t show up? i have deadlines. it’s payday. i can’t stay home.” then teary eyed… “i really want to go home!!! i’m going down no. but no! but i really want to stay home today!”

crazy. i was so Gollum that day.

so i’m glad i spent the whole day inside my room yesterday… reading, writing, and just getting rest.

ahhhhhh…..

REST.

bus party!

this is what happens when you’re stuck in traffic with someone as crazy as you…

 

“oooo-ooo-oooo-ooo!!! aaaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaa!”

2 monkeys.

PICTURE!!! PICTURE!!!

 

it all began with this…

then this…

and this…

finally this.

 

then…

THE SEPIA SERIES!!!

 

hehehe

we didn’t really care about what the other passengers thought of us… too amused at how comical we both look (but of course, i’m always more comical… H is too pretty)

there.

 

oh, here’s a pahabol…

 

ano boi!?

 

comfort in your strangeness

I bottle fed til i was five ( imagine how long it will take me to push the publish button after opening this entry with that statement. hooo!). I don’t know why I didn’t want to give that up considering that I knew i was supposed to be in kindergarten by that time. I just didn’t want to give it up. It was my life, my sole source of comfort, entertainment, and nourishing. I had the same issue with the pillow I clung to since birth, which my mama had to throw away because I didn’t even want it washed (yes, I was that gross). The bottle she couldn’t take away, coz if she did I’d steal my younger brother’s ration of milk.

She once told me, “You will never have friends in school. All the other kids would know you still bottle fed, because you’d have to bring a bottle with you and ‘dodo’ in the corner of the room. And you’d be the only kid still doing the ‘dodo’.”

True enough, all throughout my elementary years (including Prep… I didn’t go to Kinder) I didn’t have friends. I remember being in Preparatory and not mingling with the other kinds. I didn’t want to have to do anything with them. I played with my clay, and my green Rainbow Brite doll by myself. I didn’t want to talk to them. I don’t know why.

I had to transfer to another school in Elementary, because we moved to San Pedro, and because I still didn’t want to be-friend other kids, I spent breaks by myself. Walked alone to the ham and cheese flying saucer sandwich stall, bought ham and cheese and strawberry shake. Ate while walking back to the room, I was then finished with my meal when I got back to the room. So for the rest of break time I either arranged the seats, or pretended to be asleep (this is what I’m talking about Sugar and Gino).

What my mom said didn’t have an effect on me really; I thought there was, but as I thought about it more… wala. I just wanted to be alone.

There are just people who prefer to be alone for no reason at all. I don’t hate other people, I don’t hate the world, I don’t think I’m better than others and that they don’t deserve my attention (an officemate once asked me, “Are we not good enough for you? Why don’t you eat lunch with us.” ). Maybe I just want to be detached… sometimes, most of the time.

I was already in High School when I started to belong to a group. It was fun. But that was it… FUN. Maybe that’s why I liked college more, because I can be with a group of friends, or be alone. I wasn’t required to be with a particular group all the time, so I discovered who I really was.

Anyway, because I was mostly alone all the time, I used to think that I was the only kid in the world given the name I was given by my parents (no one else in their right mind would combine the names of 2 budding actresses in Philippine showbiz and have their daughters named with that… I though mama was crazy). I thought I was the only one born the day I was born, so I was amazed every time I got acquainted with someone who shares the same birth date. In short, I thought I was the most unique person born in the world. Special. Turns out i really wasn’t (jaded? hehe).

I also didn’t know that from the other side of the metro there was another kid, given a unique-sounding name (which of course also turned out to be a bit common as well), who like me, spent his time mostly by himself (given that temper… he actually stabbed the palm of a classmate for stealing his newly sharpened pencil).

When I met him I knew right away that he was special…

You see, he’s the only person I know who spent most of his Elementary days in the school chapel and attended 5 mass schedules everyday (maybe he wanted to be closer to God than anyone else). He’s the only person I know who can sleep sideways balancing with his arm up in the air (seriously, he’s asleep when he does that). He writes, makes collages and draws like no other (he draws faces with millions of dots). Lastly, he’s the only person I know who was born the day after his parents got married.

Now if that ain’t special, I don’t know what is.

I cannot enumerate all the other ‘special’ factors here. To end it all, just like what Cynthia Alexander’s song says…

“I have seen,

I have been to places far and deep

In my mind

Only to find

Comfort in your strangeness.”

 

YAB chuti! Happy Birthday!

then you sing me-

your song.

landslide

smashing pumpkins

I took my love, I took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
’til the landslide brought it down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing cause i’ve
Built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older, too

Well, I’ve been afraid of changing cause i’ve
Built my life around you
Time makes you bolder
Even children get older
And I’m getting older, too
I get older, too

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain, I turned around
And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills
The landslide brought it down
The landslide brought it down

———–

still here.