prequel ng stage fright

Noong maliit ako, makapal ang mukha ko. Kapag may bisita kami at pinakanta ako ng nanay ko, buong puso kong pineperfom sa sala namin ang “If you’re not here” ng Menudo. Tuwing summer, kapag nagbabakasyon sa amin ang mga pinsan namin, sama-sama naming sinasaliwang ang 45 ng Arico Mambo. Noon pa ngang umuwi kami sa probinsya sinayaw naming ang nabuo naming sayaw sa lunsod para sa piesta. Kebs talaga sa earth! Ang mantra kasi ng ate ko (na likas na performer), kapag may talent ka, ipakita mo.

Katulad din ng lahat ng batang babae (dito sa pinas. di ko sure kung pati sa ibang bansa gano’n) dumaan din ako sa stage ng pagkanta ng “I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way…”, pero hindi ko yun ginawa sa Little Miss Philippines-ish contest o family reunion, kinanta ko yun sa Christmas party ng Bombo Radyo.

O diba, ang yabang ko na. so malamang iniisip nyo ngayon, “bakit ang lala ng stage fright mo? Bakit hindi ka na kumakanta kung talagang maganda ang boses mo? (oo, ang tanging lugar na pinagpeperforman ko ngayon ay ang banyo).

Kasi ganito yan.

Noong prep ako ako ang naatasang mag-lead sa pagkanta ng graduation song namin. Sabi ni Mrs. Imperial (adviser ng klase namin noon sa St. Mary of the Woods), ako daw yung kakanta sa stage para sundan ng classmates ko. Kaya ilang araw bago ang graduation gabi-gabi kong prinaktis ang pagkanta ng “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”. Kaya naman noong ceremony na, maayos naman akong nakakanta. Akala pa nga daw ng ibang classmate ng ate ko tape yung sinusundan ng mga prep kasi kering-keri daw ang pagkakakanta ko, parang yung orig (kasabay kong gumradweyt ang ate ko noon; ako prep, siya grade 6) so proud na proud ang lukaloka kasi parehas daw kaming kumakanta.

Pagkatapos ng graduation ceremony, umulan. Hinintay namin si daddy sa may waiting shed kasi kinuha nya ang sasakyan, biglang lumapit sa akin ang isang classmate ng ate ko. Isa yun sa mga pinakamakulit na lalaki sa klase nila. Lagi akong inaasar non (siguro crush nya ang ate ko. gusto niyang buwisitin ako para isumbong ko siya kay ‘ti kate at syempre mapapansin siya ng ate ko pag ganon). Sabi niya sa ‘kin, “ang galing mo kanina a…” nagulat ako. Naisip ko, “shet… baka nga maganda yung pagkaka-kanta ko’t hindi ako ginagago nitong hayup na ‘to,” kaya nginitian ko lang siya. Akala ko aalis na siya, pero hindi pa pala siya tapos, bigla niyang dinugsungan ang sinabi ng, “tignan mo, dahil sa pagkanta mo umulan. HAHAHAHA!!!”

Yon.

Mula noon, hindi na ako uli kumanta o sumayaw sa harap ng madla EVER!

———-
Hindi ko na matandaan ang pangalan ng classmate ng ate ko, pero ang tanda ko Da Silva ang apelido nya (hindi ko lang din masyadong sigurado kasi hello, ang liit ko pa kaya non). Siguro kung hindi dahil sa kanya hindi ako magtitiyaga sa pagsali sa mga slogan making contest noong elementary ako. At kung di ko ginawa yun baka hindi ako nagsusulat ngayon… baka nagging japayuki ako, o di kaya singing waitress sa Singing Cooks and Waiters, kaya ayos na rin siguro ang ginawa niya.

Tsong, kung nababasa mo ‘to ngayon, kung natatandaan mo kung sino ka, isa lang ang gusto kong sabihin sa’yo…

TARANTADO KA! Hindi ka dapat nanggaganon ng mga batang walang muwang. Leche!!! Loser ka siguro ngayon.

panaginip

minsan lang ako makatanda ng panaginip. siguro dahil minsan lang ako nananaginip (sabi sa facebook, hindi raw ako nananaginip).

nung lunes, natandaan ko ang panaginip ko. hindi ko sigurado kung dahil yun sa nangyari sa akin nung linggo, baka. binisita kasi namin ang tiyo ko sa ospital. teka, ayoko ikwento yun… baka maiyak ako. mabalik tayo sa panaginip ko.

nagsimula ang eksena sa loob ng kwarto ng tiyo ko sa perpetual. nakatayo kami ni Y sa gilid ng kama, nakatingin kaming magkapatid sa kanya. naiiyak ako pero hindi ko pwedeng ipakita kaya umupo ako. napapikit ako.

pagkamulat ng mga mata ko, magkatabi na kaming magkapatid. nasa isang chapel kami. hindi pamilyar ang loob ng chapel, ni hindi ko sigurado kung may krus nga sa harap. alam ko lang na chapel yun dahil sa mahahabang kahoy na bangko, dahil sa mga sandalang may krus sa dulo, dahil sa luhuran sa harapan ko. naisip ko, “dapat magdasal ako.” lumuhod ako, “sana gumaling na si uncle… sana gumaling na si uncle… sana gumaling na siya…” ramdam kong umuugoy-ugoy ako habang paulit-ulit, “sana gumaling na si uncle… sana gumaling na siya…” biglang naramdaman kong may hawak-hawak pala akong booklet. “ano ‘to?”

luhaan na ko nung imulat ko ang mga mata ko para tignan ang laman ng mga kamay. mahigpit ang pagkakahawak ko sa booklet kaya hindi ko agad nakita kung ano nga ‘yon. nang hawakan kong maayos ang booklet, nakita ko nang ayos ang hawak kong passport.

tix-tix lang tayo

hindi ako mahilig magtext. masmaigi para sa akin ang tawag dahil masmabilis ang usapan, masmalinaw. sumasagot lang ako sa text ‘pag mahalaga.

kadalasan, ang cellphone ko ay isang mamahaling paper weight.

———-

pagkatapos maglaba nung linggo bago mag-long weekend, chineck ko ang cellphone ko. may missed call na nakaregister, isang number na hindi naka-save sa phonebook ko. dahil akala ko kamag-anak o kaibigan (na di ko na-update ang number), o di kaya raket, tinext ko, “sino po sila, at anong pong kailangan n’yo?” mabilis na dumating ang reply,”wy man.”

bisaya. naisip ko, baka isa sa mga pinsan ko na pinasahan ni mama ng number naming magkapatid. may tiyo kasi kaming may sakit ngayon, kaya, “sino ka? kanino mo nakuha ang # ko?”

“wala talaga. dial2 lang ako…”

anak ka ng UNLI!!! sa isip-isip ko. hindi na ko uli sumagot.

matapos ang ilang minuto, nag-ring ang cellphone ko. si dial2. deadma. maya-maya, nag-ring uli at ang mysterious number pa rin yon. naalibadbaran na ‘ko.

hindi ko naiintindihan kung bakit may mga taong ganito. saan kaya nila nakuha ang ideya na cool ang mang-istorbo ng taong ‘di nila kilala at na ok lang aksayahin ang resources ng iba. imbyerna!

“sino ka ba? wala akong panahon na makipag-textmate. pwede bang tumigil ka na?”

“ilang taon ka na? ano ka, girl, boy o gay?”

“i’m sorry, but if you don’t know who i am and have no business with me, please stop bothering me. thank you.”

“ah… ok”

good!

matapos uli ang ilang minuto…

“ano name mo pala?”

POOOT@@@@@@@@@!!!!

……………………..

“i am cornholio!”

xxxxx

kinabukasan, nagpamiscol uli ang pa-pampam. dinedma ko lang…

4 na missed calls

biglang, “ok lng naman, teks teks lang tau a. savhin mu lang kng may magagalit sau.”

nakakadire!!!

pero dinedma ko pa rin.

xxxxx

akala ko tapos na ang pang-i-istorbo ng pa-pampam na yon. akala ko matatahimik na ko, pero nung biyernes, pagkabalik ko sa table ko after lunch, may message galing sa isang # na ‘di naka-save sa phonebook ko, kaya, “sino po sila?”

“anu k b? teks teks lng naman tau e. bat ayaw mo?”

ANAK NG TETENG!!! Bat kaya ang kapal ng mukha ng hayop na ‘to? nanggalaiti na ko… “Putangina! Tigilan mo na ang pagpapapansin mo!!! Ipapa-trace ko yang number mo at ipapa-abduct kita ‘pag di ka tumigil!”

“cge n nga. nakakatakot ka naman…”

DAPAT yun na ang huling pagpapapansin niya, dahil hindi ako nagbibiro sa huli kong message

———-

on a lighter note…

mula nang inembrace ko ang single-blessedness (heeh), lagi na ‘ko nakakatanggap ng text galing sa nanay ko na nagsasabing…

“chelot, mama ‘to. padalhan mo ko ng pera.”

umm.. ayus lang yun. ganun naman talaga diba. pero minsan, gusto ko siyang biruin. gusto ko siya replayan ng…

“ma, chelot to. hindi ako si daddy.”

MISSING: MAEL

MISSING

MAEL

The ancient one is missing

 

for about a month now, i haven’t seen our 7 year old cat, Mael. at first we thought he was just around the subdivision courting a new foxy feline, but no. he hasn’t even come home, even for meals, which bothers me more, ‘coz Mael loves to eat! he’s very PG…

my brother told me last week that he saw Mael at Greatland, the subdivion just next ours, but he said when he called his name the cat ignored him. i checked the area last weekend, and yes, i did see a cat that resembled Mael, but it wasn’t him ‘coz it had blue eyes, and it’s tail had this curve half an inch from the end. Mael’s tail is perfect.

waaaahhh!!!

Mael was the only cat that stayed with us for that long. We, H and i, found him in Pacita back in 2001, but since we were living in Dasma then we brought him with us. i still remember when H had to stay in the hospital with his grand dad, i had to go to his dorm before going home to mine just to feed baby-miming Mael… and because there was one time i got there hearing his voice horse because he was crying all day, i brought him to my dorm though we weren’t allowed to bring pets.

when i graduated, H had to move back to Kalookan, and when he dropped me off the house Mael went missing. it was only after a few days after H was gone that Mael came back. by the time H came to pick him up, my dad didn’t want to give back his new pet… and so Mael stayed with my family.

Mael was there for any of us when we were home alone. sometimes you’ve even get the feeling that he knows when you’re forlorn because that’s when he’d come up to you and just sit beside you. Mael responds when you talk to him, which makes him a great companion.

my family spent most weekend afternoons in the garage with Mael sitting on the garden set table or way up the gate post (that’s where he was when the picture above was taken by Yan-Yan), and some friends who’d see him poised there would ask, “are you really putting him up there for display?” and we’d always say no… he just prefers that spot.

He puts his tongue out when he’s asking for food, he’s the only full-grown cat i know who does that. he loves bread, he can finish 3-4 slices of bread for snacks. and he jumps at your lap when you ask him too. Mael is the nicest miming ever… he befriended all the dogs we’ve ever had, he even slept beside new puppies to comfort them. He was also kind to kittens and new found stray cats, letting them eat first before he gets a portion of the meal.

hayyy Mael… nasan ka na kaya?

i hope he comes back soon… or at least, nothing bad’s happened to him:C

hu-hu-hu

 

pan

noong maliit pa ako, pag may nagtatanong sa akin kung anong gusto ko maging paglaki ko lagi kong sinasabi; “gusto ko maging doctor.”

alam kong hindi lang ako ang nagsasabi noon, siguro pati ikaw yun din ang sinasagot tuwing tinatanong ka. yung ibang kaibigan ko naman isinasagot: ‘gusto ko maging pilot!’, o kaya ‘gusto ko maging engineer!!!’, o kaya “i’m gonna be a lawyer.” at kung anu-ano pang malulupet na propesyon.

pero may isang tao akong kilala na talaga namang kakaiba ang pangarap noong bata pa siya. nung tinanong ko siya minsan kung; “ano gusto mo maging dati, noong maliit ka pa?” sinagot niya ko nang walang ka-abog-abog…

“wala. hindi ako nag-iisip ng ganoon nun kasi mahirap lang kami. alam kong hindi naman ako makakatapos ng pag-aaral, kasi noon ngang grade 1 pa lang ako nangunguha lang ako ng bayabas tas pinangpapalit ko yun ng papel sa classmate ko kasi gusto ko talaga mag-aral. basta natatandaan ko… sabi ko noon; pagkalaki ko, magkakaroon ako ng maraming pera tapos kakain lang ako ng maraming-maraming tinapay.”

kaya eto…

happy birthday ma!

omen?

whenever we go to the cemetery, my sister always looks around reading tombstones. she’d go, “your memories will live in our hearts forever. august 21, 1933-july 25, 2001…”

“may the lord blah-blah-blah. october 15, 1974- november 12, 2001…”

“misery loves company, but she didn’t find anyone. november 17, 1980 – ….”

then she’d say “tingnan n’yo, tama yung theory ko! people always die a few days before or after their birthdays… tsaka pag malapit na mag-Christmas.”

we just say, “oo nga.” then walk away.

———-

ever since the glorietta 2 bombing, my mother, who’s been living in Leyte since i was 10, has been texting me messages like;

“i love you! -mama”

or

“always take care of yourself, and remember that i love you.”

or

“advance happy birthday! love ka mama lagi dinday.”

and since my family’s never really vocal about loving each other and chingkiness. THIS is REALLY starting to freak me out… i’m turning 27 in a few days, and i don’t think i’m ready to die (just yet).

ophelia

ni minsan sa buhay ko, hindi ako napalo ng mga magulang ko. nung isang beses na nakita kong nagtatakbo sa labas ng bahay nila ang kaibigan naming si Kyle dahil hinahabol siya ng patpat ng nanay niya, tinanong ko si daddy, “Daddy ba’t hindi mo kami pinapalo?” Sabi niya, “Malakas akong humataw. Malalatayan kayo. Edi imbis na maisip kong natuto kayo, sasama lang ang loob ko dahil kawawa kayo.”

hindi rin kami pinapalo ng mama namin, kasi nakukuha niya kami sa tingin (yes naman!). sa totoo lang, manliliit ka talaga ‘pag tinitigan ka niya. ‘di ko alam kung bakit, kasi hindi naman mukhang masungit si mama. basta pag naghaharutan kami ni yan-yan noon, tas umabot sa sakitan, titignan muna namin kung nakatingin si mama bago kami mag-away. pag nakatingin siya, naglalayo na kami… kanya-kanyang kulong sa kwarto, dahil kung hindi tiyak kong pwede ka nang lumipad sa langit para maging bituin pagkatapos kang sabunin maghapon ni mama.

pero may isang pagkakataon nakatikim ako ng palo. natatandaan ko lahat nung nangyari nung umagang yon. nanonood kami ni yan-yan ng Cedie. pang-hapon kami pareho noon sa school. nung mga oras na yon dapat kumakain na kami para makaligo na at makapaghanda sa pagpasok, pero dahil tuwang-tuwa kami sa Cedie ayaw namin umalis sa harapan ng TV.

“magsiligo na kayo!”

kebs.

“hoy, ano ba? magsiligo na kayo’t parating na ang serbis nyo!”

kebs pa rin.

CBB na ng cedie.
“o ayan na.”

kebs pa rin. at hindi lang kami nagwalang-bahala, nagsing-along pa kami sa CBB.

biglang. “ang kukulit nyo ah!!!”

ramdam namin ang bawat yabag papalapit sa amin. biglang…

“pak-pak-pak,” sabi ng gomang tsinelas pagkadapo sa pwet ni yanyan.

“pak-pak-pak,” sabi ng gomang tsinelas pagkadapo sa pwet ko.

natanga kaming magkapatid. unti-unting nanginig ang aming mga labing ilang minuto lang ang nakalipas, OA sa ngiti habang kumakanta ng “Cedie, ko-ko-ronyong dainuyo… Cedie!!!” Maya-maya pa parehas na kaming nagsi-iyak… at ang kaninang gigil na gigil sa pagpalo sa’min ay umiyak na rin.

“ang titigas ng ulo nyo! sige, huwag na kayong magsipasok!!! manood na lang kayo ng TV dyan maghapon.”

si auntie openg yon.

si auntie openg ang bunsong kapatid ni mama. siya ang nagsilbing pangalawa naming magulang. sanggol pa lang ang kapatid kong si yanyan nang lumuwas siya mula sa Leyte (a.k.a Leyti). kung ‘di ako nagkakamali 22 pa lang siya noon. siya ang nagpalaki sa aming magkakapatid, dahil parehong nagtatrabaho ang mga magulang namin.

si auntie ang dakilang taga-linis ng bahay, tagapaglaba, tagapamalengke at tagapagbayad ng tubig noong mga panahong maliliit pa kami para gawin ang mga ‘yon. at nung nawalan kami ng kusinera, siya ang araw-araw na nagluto ng porkchop para makakain kami (oo, literal yon. araw-araw porkchop ang ulam namin. minsan nagluluto rin siya ng tocino, pritong isda, pritong itlog, adobo at sinigang na kangkong lang ang sahog).

marami kaming natutunan kay auntie. sa kaso ko, si auntie ang nagturo sa akin maghugas ng plato nung grade 4 ako, mamlantsa ng damit nung grade 6 ako, at bantayan at hugasan ang puwet ng baby kong pamangkin nung 1st year high school ako. lagi niyang sinasabi, “kailan mo pa yan pag-aaralan, pag may asawa ka na?” siguro nakita ni auntie na maaga kaming mabubuhay nang mag-isa ng kapatid ko, buti na lang tinuro niya yon agad lahat.

natutunan namin kumilos mag-isa at maging ‘independent’ dahil kay auntie, pero ang pinakamahalagang natutunan namin sa kanya ay ang pagmamahal sa isa’t isa. naniniwala akong kaya walang nagkakasamaan ng loob sa ‘ming magkakapatid ay dahil sa paggabay niya habang lumalaki kami. ni minsan wala sa amin ang nagsigawan, nagsabunutan, bugbugano batuhan ng gamit except unan.

kaya yun, kakabantay sa amin tumanda na si auntie ng ka-aalaga sa amin. sinubukan niyang mag-asawa nung tumuntong na sa college ang kapatid ko, pero bumalik siya. sabi niya,”hay nako, sakit sa ulo. mag-aalaga na lang ako ng mga apo ko.” at yun nga ang ginawa niya.

bente-kwatro años na ang bunsong kapatid ko ngayon, at si auntie openg ay nasa puder na ng ate ko. inalagaan niyang lahat ang tatlong anak ng ate ko (si bianca 13, si nina 8 at si cholo na 15 months old). siguro hindi na niya kami maiiwan, dahil naaalala ko nung bago ipinanganak ang bunso ng ate ko, sabi niya kay yanyan (na siya niyang paborito, obviously), “mag-baby ka na para dun na uli ako sa inyo.”

sadya sigurong nahanap na ni auntie ang saya sa pagiging nanay naming lahat. ramdam namin yun sa tuwing nakikita naming nangingilid ang mga luha sa mga mata niya sa mga kwento namin tungkol sa mga bagay na nararanasan namin ngayong malalaki na kami. hindi siguro siya makapaniwalang malalaki na nga ang mga batang inaalagaan niya dati.

siguro pagdating ng panahon, kami naman ang mag-aalaga kay auntie. dahil miski pa sa kanya lang namin natikman ang sakit ng palong hindi kailanman malilimutan, patuloy pa ring namin siyang titingalain at mamahalin. si auntie ang walang pagod na bumubuo ng buhay naming magkakapatid.

taken on her 46th birthday (last Friday) si auntie… sexy-sexy!!!

sun+rain

i went out for lunch today (nothing extraordinary, just went to ministop herrara like the usual). and because i looked out the window before i left my workstation (and saw the sun shining) i didn’t bring my jacket with me. when i was about to cross the street, it started to drizzle. the whole thing (drizzling) went on and off throughout lunch break… sugar and i just kept talking about the usual topics, but my mind was off somewhere.

usually, i’d rant about this kind of weather saying; this kind of fickle weatherness makes people sick or feel sick and it may be the reason why i’m in no mood to work just like a few dozen of my friends. lame excuse. but i’m not doing that today…

today’s weather brought me back to a time when we (me and my kid brother Y) just watched the rain from the veranda or the garage when we were kids… this is the kind of rainy weather when no one’s allowed to go out and enjoy the shower singing “kung ang ulan ay puro tsokolate, o anong sarap ng ulan” from Batibot… or draw Sun’s on the pavement chanting “Rain, Rain, Go away come again another day…” or play with paper boats in puddles.

 

because when it rains while the sun is out…

 

MAY KINAKASAL NA TIKBALANG.

Note: This myth is not exclusive to the Philippines, watch Akira Kurosawa’s DREAMS.

here’s a snippet…

comfort in your strangeness

I bottle fed til i was five ( imagine how long it will take me to push the publish button after opening this entry with that statement. hooo!). I don’t know why I didn’t want to give that up considering that I knew i was supposed to be in kindergarten by that time. I just didn’t want to give it up. It was my life, my sole source of comfort, entertainment, and nourishing. I had the same issue with the pillow I clung to since birth, which my mama had to throw away because I didn’t even want it washed (yes, I was that gross). The bottle she couldn’t take away, coz if she did I’d steal my younger brother’s ration of milk.

She once told me, “You will never have friends in school. All the other kids would know you still bottle fed, because you’d have to bring a bottle with you and ‘dodo’ in the corner of the room. And you’d be the only kid still doing the ‘dodo’.”

True enough, all throughout my elementary years (including Prep… I didn’t go to Kinder) I didn’t have friends. I remember being in Preparatory and not mingling with the other kinds. I didn’t want to have to do anything with them. I played with my clay, and my green Rainbow Brite doll by myself. I didn’t want to talk to them. I don’t know why.

I had to transfer to another school in Elementary, because we moved to San Pedro, and because I still didn’t want to be-friend other kids, I spent breaks by myself. Walked alone to the ham and cheese flying saucer sandwich stall, bought ham and cheese and strawberry shake. Ate while walking back to the room, I was then finished with my meal when I got back to the room. So for the rest of break time I either arranged the seats, or pretended to be asleep (this is what I’m talking about Sugar and Gino).

What my mom said didn’t have an effect on me really; I thought there was, but as I thought about it more… wala. I just wanted to be alone.

There are just people who prefer to be alone for no reason at all. I don’t hate other people, I don’t hate the world, I don’t think I’m better than others and that they don’t deserve my attention (an officemate once asked me, “Are we not good enough for you? Why don’t you eat lunch with us.” ). Maybe I just want to be detached… sometimes, most of the time.

I was already in High School when I started to belong to a group. It was fun. But that was it… FUN. Maybe that’s why I liked college more, because I can be with a group of friends, or be alone. I wasn’t required to be with a particular group all the time, so I discovered who I really was.

Anyway, because I was mostly alone all the time, I used to think that I was the only kid in the world given the name I was given by my parents (no one else in their right mind would combine the names of 2 budding actresses in Philippine showbiz and have their daughters named with that… I though mama was crazy). I thought I was the only one born the day I was born, so I was amazed every time I got acquainted with someone who shares the same birth date. In short, I thought I was the most unique person born in the world. Special. Turns out i really wasn’t (jaded? hehe).

I also didn’t know that from the other side of the metro there was another kid, given a unique-sounding name (which of course also turned out to be a bit common as well), who like me, spent his time mostly by himself (given that temper… he actually stabbed the palm of a classmate for stealing his newly sharpened pencil).

When I met him I knew right away that he was special…

You see, he’s the only person I know who spent most of his Elementary days in the school chapel and attended 5 mass schedules everyday (maybe he wanted to be closer to God than anyone else). He’s the only person I know who can sleep sideways balancing with his arm up in the air (seriously, he’s asleep when he does that). He writes, makes collages and draws like no other (he draws faces with millions of dots). Lastly, he’s the only person I know who was born the day after his parents got married.

Now if that ain’t special, I don’t know what is.

I cannot enumerate all the other ‘special’ factors here. To end it all, just like what Cynthia Alexander’s song says…

“I have seen,

I have been to places far and deep

In my mind

Only to find

Comfort in your strangeness.”

 

YAB chuti! Happy Birthday!

daddy’s girl

i started writing this short story (Alarm Clock) last Sunday. and only after finishing the draft did i realized where my inspiration came from.

it was Father’s Day.